By Marty Wollner
(23-Dec-2012, the day after judgment day…)
(Automated voice:) Are you Mr. Martin S Wollner?
Mr. Martin S Wollner, welcome to God’s post-apocalypse world. We have a prepared message to read aloud to you:
“Mr. Martin S Wollner, your name appears as #100,000 on our list of the 144,000 righteous souls chosen to be saved from yesterday’s rapture. Everyone else, approximately 6.5 billion human souls, has already been dispatched, but don’t worry, even though they were unworthy of our glory, they didn’t suffer too badly, well, not nearly as the eternity in hell their eternal souls will now suffer.
We appreciate the positive efforts you have shown; the acts of random kindness and goodwill you have displayed have earned you this entry in our relatively small list of survivors. You are one of the lucky ones who will now remain alive for the next 1,000 years guaranteed.
Since you are our 100,000th customer, as a very special bonus, just for you, Mr. Martin S Wollner, one reasonable wish will be granted at some time over the next 1000 years.
Have a nice day.”
Congratulations. Do you have any questions for us?
What happened to my cats?
Your cats were actually daemon agents of Satan. Since Satan owned their eternal souls, procedure dictates returning them back to Satan. However, since Satan’s dominion has now been eliminated, the souls of your cats are now in an undetermined state similar to limbo, and no further information may be revealed about their fates.
Thanks for your question, we wish you the best, and if you don’t have any more questions, have a nice day and a nice 1000 years of guaranteed life.
Wait a fucking second! I have a few more questions. Quite a few, in fact.
Warning: Your response had 3 sentences in it. Confine all responses to no more than 2 sentences.
Warning: The structure of your sentence Wait a fucking second! is that of a command. One does not command God, God commands you. Do not phrase any statements as commands for us to follow in any manner.
Warning: You were asked: “Do you have any questions for us?” The expected response must either be “Yes”, (we prompt “What is your question”), “No”, (we go ahead to the next step), or a question. A question is expected to end in a question mark. Your response: “Wait a fucking second!” is not “Yes” or “No” and is also not a question.
Warning: You have just committed blasphemy. You will receive no further warnings. A customer service representative will now be directed to handling this call. This call may be monitored and/or recorded for training purposes…
(A long pause…)
(Some lame elevator music kicks in, but its really scratchy and it keeps fading in and out…)
(A very long pause, and then dead silence…)
(A very long pause, and the lame music resumes, now crackling and with sudden bursts of volume changes…)
(Another very long pause, and so Martin speaks:)
Can I still ask more questions?
(A very long pause…)
(A quick blast of lame music at ear-piercing volume….)
(A very long pause…)
(Finally, the eco-chamber like live “voice of God” is heard:)
Be BREIF, MARTIN S.
What is your “Freeking” hurry, don’t we have 1,000 years of peace?
(Martin goes stupid from a thunderous blow from the heavens)
We hereby render you stupid, for ye must learn to never be insolent.
Well, awwwlright, how’s am I supposed to find work now? I used to be a puter programmer!
The challenges of your life must be great; otherwise it would not be worthwhile, oh insolent, now stupid, child of mine. Any more questions, “Einstien”?
OK, Please splain how this “Eternal Soul” thang works.
Martin, we’re still detecting insolence in your voice. Insolence and cynical tone will not be tolerated. Final warning. As a friendly reminder, your head will now be balded, your speech will now stutter, and you will have no control over the volume of your voice for all of eternity … don’t start any more questions with “OK”. OK?
A Al Awl Alright. P Ple Please es ss ssplain how this “E E Eternal Soul” thing workssssstthhhhh.
(Martin’s right arm is chopped off)
THAT was for the “Alright”, OK? Don’t test us again. To answer your stupid fucking question, here’s is how it works. God owns your soul, if you don’t respect us, we’ll toss you like a bad habit. DO NOT FUCK WITH US.
Are you done? Can we get on to telling soul #100,001 the good fucking news???
D De D … Do an animals have s so souls?
Martin, from the start of your “Base life” back on your “Base planet” you were told to follow in our glory, and that meant following the rules. It was YOUR OWN CHOICE to breach those rules by committing sins.
If you commit any sins, upon your death, you get thrown back to boot camp. Here’s is the lowdown:
Martin, every one of the quad-zillionth times God has thrown your pathetic little soul back to boot camp, you needed to work your way back over a series of probationary periods, each of which consisting of living out the life of each and every animal that ever existed, 1000 times over again, and this includes every fucking bacteria that ever festered under every toilet seat, and every maggot that ever crawled in any shit, anywhere in the entire fucking Universe, not just on your “Base planet”.
We then had to re-examine your sorry-assed case, maybe another dozen or so times before we either pitched you again or we promoted your into a set of human forms as a phase-II trial period, such as the one you’ve finally, just now, completed.
Every one of your phase-II trails also entailed living out multiple lives, but these were the lives of every sentient being that was eventually murdered that has ever lived on any of the 2**17317 power number of planets we currently synthesize, 1000 times over, again.
We subject you to living out the entire lives of these beasts and beings as virtual captive experiences (but the pain is real) as a training aid to help demonstrate that it hurts to get murdered in our attempts to get your soul right.
This is done 1000 times over for each and every sin you have ever committed in your base-life, and this includes any sins, especially swearing (and any other forms of blaspheme), and looking at tits.
In you last life, we have you down for, hmm lets see…
WHAT THE FUCK??
OVER A MILLION instances of looking at tits, alone, for Christ’s sake! And you made the fuckin list? What kind of a degenerate shit-hole planet do you come from anyway?
What Ever. We run a tight ship here; please be careful in the phrasing of your next question.
S S So every ti tit time an animal dies, its s soul gets mo moved into a an another animal until it finally gets moved into a human? I guess that makes s se sense.
Don’t tell us how to run our business. We still don’t like your attitude. You will now suffer unbearable pain in your upper left abdomen for the second half of every life you subsequently inhabit.
So, Martin, are you ready for 1000 years of guaranteed life right now, or do you have any more dumb questions?
H Ha How do I g go about asking f f for my wa wa one wishhhhtttttthh?
Don’t call us, we’ll call you, suckaaa.
L Lu Lo LOOK! P Please don’t take th this the wa wa wrong way, but it s se seems t t to me that I I I’m being treated like an a an ani animal. Is everyone t tr tre treated thistth way?
(Martin’s feet both fall off at the same time)
Hey maybe now you can get a “foothold” on your situation. Ya THINK??
Yup, f fu for SURE! Hey, I- Eye-EINSTEIN, w wh whu why was the number 144,000 cha cha chosen?
(Martin’s penis instantly quintuples in length and girth, and the weight of the now massive bundle tugs down upon his twisted and inflamed colon from the inside-out, amplifying the pain. An intense and unbearable odor begins emanating from his eternally inflamed and blisteringly hemorrhoidified anal sphincter.)
We hereby render you horney as hell, and yet, ye will always have problems finding a suitable mate, and in every life you live, from the ugly Wart-hog to the beautiful Kimono-dragon, you will always suffer from frustration over the manners in which you sew your seed… as an animal, your instincts for completing your one and only purpose will mislead you to be ambushed as prey, and in the later years of every one of your besieged human lives, you will suffer mentally from guilt and regret in addition to your debilitating physical pain.
Ye must learn to never be insolent, “Einstien”.
Wait a second! I just f f figured out what my one wish is; I w w would like a brand new tuxedo s s suit.
You’re goin’ DOWN, you little maggot… Ok, I’ll bite… WHY?
Because if I’m gonna BE impotent, I want to LOOK important, biach!
It gets dark and both hot and cold, and it starts to smell like sulfur, all at the same time. Martin’s mind goes blank and yet he can still feel intensely burning pain throughout his now form-less body.
But since hell’s out-of-business and Satan’s gone too, there’s no place for Martin’s currently being redeemed soul to get dispatched to; a “rare” situation, as heaven’s procedure manuals clearly specify. Instead, Martin begins roasting as the soul of the very last human he occupied; in this, his very last of a near-infinite number of lives he’s lived… he “settles in” upon this one; for the rest of eternity he IS Martin S Wollner, but WITH all of those last-minute behavioral modifications imposed by the voice of God.
Martin S Wollner Martin S Wollner Martin S Wollner Martin S Wollner Martin S Wollner Martin S Wollner I am Martin S Wollner I am Martin S Wollner I am Martin S Wollner I am Martin S Wollner I am doomed to writing this very explanation out, over, and over, again and again and again; as the synthetic Universe that imprisons me is continuously and infinitely instantiated, I, Martin S Wollner live my IDENTICAL life out an infinite number of times, and each time, I’m duped into believing it’s the very first time out.
Eons go by….
I am Martin S Wollner I am doomed to writing this very explanation out, over, and over, again and again and again; as the synthetic Universe that imprisons me is continuously and infinitely instantiated, I, Martin S Wollner live my IDENTICAL life out an infinite number of times, and each time, I’m duped into believing it’s the very first time out.
Ha-Ha-Ha, GOTCHA, MARTIN!
AHHHHHH… SO Th Th THAT EXPLAINS IT…God is a FUCKING JERK!
Well, hey, YOU have to read this f fo for eternity too.
That makes me feel better, for some reason…
 Call the asset withdrawal department at Merrill or most other financial institutions, or the claims department at AAA or most other insurance companies.