I'm having a "suddenly appearing and rapidly-growing tumor" removed from right inguinal lymph node today; I can't sleep and so I wrote this.
Having surgery makes one think. Could this be "it"? It just might be! Perhaps I'm just being overly paranoid, but, still...
If these are my last words, then I have no to reason to lie. So TRUST ME, this is the honest to God's truth.
If this is the end, and if this is my last day of light, I wonder, have I done alright; have I made the right decisions and have I done the right things?
I WONDER about the way I've lived my life... was I selfish and uncaring towards others?
I WORRY about what it will be, and I have a good reason for it!
After all, I've lived a life of luxury, rarely hungry, always pampered, and I never had to fight or work hard or be exposed to the pain and despair and disinformation of the masses. In fact, I'd say that I'm in the 99 percentile of the undeservedly comforted, and yet, with all of my great fortune, I still don't appreciate life!! This is a huge problem.
I haven't even looked hard at the plight others suffer, all I ever do is throw my arms up and whimper that I can't understand how everyone else in the world (who have ALL been less fortunate) are able to cope at all... how do they do it? I keep asking myself again and again.. how can they get up and clean up after their kids and go to work and maintain their cars, their bank accounts, their properties and their health? How do they do it? Where do they get the energy to persist? I have never understood this. My meager accomplishments came easy, I mean, if you have enough time and protection and bananas, you can teach a monkey anything.
Everyone! They ALL face life head-on and they do it bravely AND WITH GRACE! Everyone but me, that is; when faced with even the simplest of challenges, I explode and fall apart. I break and smash and buy a new one with the fortune that I ungratefully dwell upon. How can I even place myself in the same league as ANYone else? I only do so by hiding in my palace, all alone (although I expect someone to clean it for me). Pathetic! A pampered Prince, the easy life, THAT's what I've always seeked out. I am guilty of this for certain, and THAT is my exact cause of concern, or, oh what the hell, lets just call it FEAR.
My FEAR is for ANYTHING that might happen... I SHOULD BE punished for the selfishness I have committed, when I knew better... I could have helped a LOT more than I ever did.
FEAR, because, IN ANY CASE, how can it be "good"? I've already had it luckier that 99% of anyone, and STILL NOT HAPPY; what will it take to grant satisfaction? Is it even possible with being a lie in some way? I can't understand how and, again, THAT SHOULD SCARE ME WORSE THAN ANYTHING... my inability to think that life is good. I supposed I could be, in another place and another time, but this is now and this is planet Earth, where most of us die at each other's own hand!!!
And even in a mythically pristine other place and time, I have to ask myself this simple question:
If EVERYONE was just like me, would that world be better?
And my answer is NO, how can it possibly be after my life as an ungrateful crybaby here on Earth? What contributions can I make if I'm still too lazy to get up and feed myself?
And if there is nothing, if I cease to exist, would that be any better? I cannot twist my mind into accepting this in any possible way.. it just cannot be, hence no worries... maybe it is better... NO - that's not possible. I'm not see-sawing back and forth over the questions of religion, I'm generalizing ... in any case, etc... ho boy!
But (of course), I have given this a lot of thought, that's what I've been doing all these years in isolation (about the only thing, actually). If MY BELIEFS are correct about the way the Universe operates (in the way that I've imposed upon everyone to explain the plight we all seem to face), then, ...
here it is, at last, I am faced with my own bullshit about what reality really is.
And, even as selfish as my contentions really are, right now as I write these words, I'm certain that what I have deduced is solid, I feel that my beliefs are strong, and I am sticking by them.
My beliefs are that the equation that drives the Universe is CONTINUOUSLY running, and this means that I (we all) have perpetual life. This copy of me dies, and the other infinite copies go on and on and on...
I believe in what I have written about what the purpose of own Universe is and what the suffering of mankind represents.
In that light, I have a bit of a sense of satisfaction about it, I mean, God knows how hard I've worked on TheTruth-machine. Yes, I really did hard work, I guess about 8 man-years.
I would be a lot more satisfied if everyone in the world somehow hears and understands my simple message about TheTruth-machine. Right or wrong, the idea IS CORRECT and it should help mankind right now just as-is.
And even more if they knew of my delusional beliefs about the purpose of our lives .... that we are all the same person, set against each other; I wish that people would at least get these two messages and in some way, perhaps by the grace of God (whom I really DO believe in, BTW), we can stop our self-mutilation and be release from our time of woe.
If I'm wrong about all of it, and if my activities are looked down upon by God, so be it, I truly believe in everything I have written in my quest for these answers.
My web site TheTruth-machine.com is the product of my life. That is all I can do to help the world.
I am satisfied in at least, doing that.
Who will care for my cats? My dear, dear, cats are the most special of all cats; having traveled around the country for years on end and being let out to roam in a thousand different places, these 2 cats have been landlocked and shut away for the past 4 years. They want to get back out on the open road but they know that I've been unable to do so, and so these cats, stars of the open road are now captive prisoners that bravely pretend to be content to be let out at least once a day.
If I can't come back to them, to feed and care for them, who will?
Who will play with them they way they've trained me to play? Who will clean Flick's little butt with a warm, wet paper towel when she needs it? Who will have the patience to wait for Flash to come out from hiding and allow himself to be caught (it will be nearly impossible)?
This is my greatest fear.
I have nothing bad to say about anyone... all of the minor trespasses are forgiven and I am forever thankful for everyone who helps those in need
I do state "for the record" that everyone needs to learn from the lessons of the past. My father was right there, he saw it all, and nothing has changed one bit; the world is ugly because of two reasons: 1) There are evil people who are physiologically unable to understand the golden rule, and 2) Most people are ignorant and everyone is gullible. As a result, the masses ARE being misled on the same levels as my father witnessed in Nazi Germany. DO NOT conform to mass propaganda; do your best to resist this by turning off the mass media and the mass of lies being forced upon us, world-wide. Do not take any drugs unless they grow naturally and/or are have been in use for at least 100 years. Do not trust the food, the water, or anything the government tries to force upon you. Always respect the opinions of others, but protect yourself in any case; support the US constitution and the bill of rights, not the hijacked government who is now eliminating them.
Find truth in numbers and in nature and always follow the golden rule; never harm children or animals; never turn a blind eye to someone in need. If you understand TheTruth-machine, this is a no-brainier, even for an evil jerk.