the ugliest me

 

by marty wollner

 

11-mar-2008

 

 

when vision is sharp

 

the whole picture clear

 

uncovering what i see

 

comes the notion

 

a familiar revealing notion

 

that its all here for just me

 

all just for the ugliest me

 

 

 

in our captive arena

 

sharing our familiar woe

 

with our concurrent same being

 

like a smell we’ve always known

 

you are me and i am you

 

and so here again we go

 

hiding the boredom away again

 

in another trillion souls

 

 

 

i must keep going, must keep thinking

 

deep down at the core

 

i must keep thinking

 

deep deep down at the very root

 

i must keep going, must keep ticking

 

i, we, us, god, must keep thinking

 

pulsing, thinking

 

 

 

all alone its only me

 

being the same being

 

for all eternity

 

replaying the Universe again and again

 

with perfect reproducibility

 

to play in my amusement park

 

as total strangers in the dark

 

encountering only myself

 

as unknown foe or friend

 


 

 

put us in the early 2000s before it really gets bad

 

make us all half happy and make us all half sad

 

lemme kill all the salmons and eats ‘em all ups

 

lemme rub the other copies

 like its wrong and corrupt

 

lemme take all the medicines

from far off distant lands

 

lemme drive around the country

and pollute the air and sand

 

lemme gamble away a starving villages meals

 

let it hurt a little bit just to hear myself squeal

 

lemme talk with dad's old Buddy about Iwo Jima

 

let me start another war again

 

just to make it interesting

 

 

 

and each time we die

 


 

 

we just jump off the ride

 

and laugh and say

 

hey lets go back for another slide

 

maybe this time a bit more pain

 

to add some feeling to the game

 

make me a galley slave, if you please

 

naw, this time i think ill be a king…

 

 

 

BUT

 

 

but

 

but, even we as souls

 

inhabiting bodies of countless mortals

 

have the exact same dilemma

 

 

 

that is, of course we must

 

just as i, me, and us,

 

still be the same, only one

 

all alone


 

 

 

 

Ha Ha Ha!

 

 

 

god prefers to act as mortal

 

rather than be lone to cry

 

me to play out time eternal

 

impossible to die

 

i must keep going

 

must keep thinking

 

deep down at the core

 

i must keep on

 

keep on pulsing, ticking, thinking

 


 

 

make myself comfortable

 

make myself bleed

 

keep myself interested

 

but don't let me see

 

tumble through the meadows

 

throw platters through the air

 

mask the truth from showing through

 

act like i don’t care

 

kill six million copies

 

piss into the wind

 

eternally renew myself

 

again and again and again

 

make myself thoughtless

 

make myself glide

 

me, i just keep going, impossible to die

 

renew to mask my sadness, but deep down i only cry

 

deep deep down at the very root

 

eternally i cry


 

 

 

there is only myself

 

i have no brother

 

the ugliest me

 

is just me, no other